day 120

I am finally comfortable using the word sober in referring to myself and my challenge. For the first couple months, if I said "I haven't had a drink in ___ days" it was quickly followed with, "but I didn't have a problem to begin with, it's just a personal challenge." Now I'm absolutely fine, and even proud, to say that I've been sober almost 4 months. If someone assumes I had an alcohol addiction prior to that, that's fine. Now when I am offered alcohol, I simply say "No thanks, I don't drink." I found that "I'll pass" simply leads to "Why aren't you drinking?" "Are you sure?" "Come on, just one!" "Are you pregnant?" I feel no need to defend myself anymore, and that confidence feels great. I also realize that although I did not have any dependency on alcohol (Wait, is salivating every time I see a wine bottle a dependency?), it was absolutely affecting my life in negative ways. My weight was up, my overall productivity was down, and my sleeping and eating habits were inconsistent and left room for improvement. So in that respect, I did have a "problem."
Without sounding sugar sweet, I have to say that I continue to be in awe of how enjoyable this challenge is for me. Quite a few fun things have happened since my last post, since it was a MONTH ago! By the way - I tend to think its a good sign that I didn't blog for a month. I'm back to my procrastinating ways but still not drinking. I don't have to be on my best behavior all the time, but I can still stay on track!

Since my last post I passed the 100 day mark, which was especially exciting to me because my brain works in numbers, so I'm motivated by numbers/figures/stats. That morning began with my blabbermouth brain going at it once again. "Why did I have to make this thing a freakin year?! 100 days would've been good enough and I could've enjoyed a great glass of wine tonight! I get the gist of it now, my eyes are open to new things, blah blah blah, now give me some damn WINE!" I laughed it off and told myself that the remaining 200+ days would continue to be a learning experience. Thank you all for the amazing outpour of love and support on day 100, all the texts, "likes" and comments were so appreciated. I was even greeted by gorgeous flowers at the office from Aubrey and Kristy!

After day 100 came Fantasy Fest. For those not familiar with FF, Mardi Gras is the best comparison I can give. A week every October in Key West full of parties, lots of costumes, and most definitely no shortage of cocktail consumption. Sober living was challenging at times throughout the week. On Tutu Tuesday I was about 2 feet from the bar, but my berry bomb craving subsided. And Saturday (Parade Night), I tried to tell everyone that my original plan was to allow myself drinks on the Saturday of Fantasy Fest and New Years Eve, (that really was my original plan) however no one was having it. I am thankful that I didn't drink, starting over at day 1 would be so demoralizing!
And now I'm headed back from New York City after an amazing weekend. On past New York trips with my dad I specifically remember; double fisting Bud Lights at the Giants game, gasping at the receipt for $25 martinis, chugging wine during South Pacific's intermission, and 12 bottles shattering on the pavement because the box was wet (Roni!). This weekend consisted of perfect seats at a matinee of Wicked, a chilly Giants game (my first time in the new stadium), and lots of walking, taking in the sights and sounds of the city. And just in case I had any doubt, I love the city just as much "sober."

day 88

Whether it's work, school, love, eating, exercise, etc. each of us has experienced being "stuck in a rut". More and more I realize that you can tell a lot about a person, especially yourself, by the way we dig ourselves out of those ruts. Some people simply fall victim to the ups and downs life throws at them. Others get by, but don't necessarily thrive. Then there are those that seem to prosper no matter what obstacles they encounter. It's easy to say that these people in the latter group are "lucky" or "fortunate," but I believe they make a deliberate and constant effort to be driven and purposeful in their everyday lives. Even someone who is born into money, opportunity and/or privilege can quickly ruin it and fall into the victim mentality. (This is not to say that the only definition/key to happiness or success is money and privilege, I'm making generalizations to avoid being long-winded like this sentence.)

I think the first reaction to a problem is to feel sorry for yourself. Your car breaks down, "Why me?" Your Facebook is full of others thrilling accomplishments, "Wow, I'm worthless." Or, if you're like me, you take the self-defense route out and start mentally hating on them. I have caught myself doing that - I really hope I'm not the only one. But at least I caught myself; if I'm jealous there's no reason to hate. I should learn from others and push myself harder towards my goals.

I've hit some ruts throughout my first 88, but not as many as I would have expected. As I am nearing the quarter-year mark (wow!), I starting assessing the progress I've made.

Learning Spanish was one of the activities I wanted to dedicate a lot of my newfound time to after cutting out drinking. In the spirit of honesty, I'm going to guesstimate my time spent on Spanish thus far at 6 hours. Pathetic. Rut. I will be improving this in the 2nd quarter of sobriety. So far I'll give myself a D grade, need for improvement.

Exploring the Buddhist faith is a huge interest of mine, and another hobby I wanted to indulge in this year. Although I haven't tackled this directly, I have explored my spirituality and thoughts more than EVER. I am happy to say my beliefs are evolving and taking on new colors and shapes. Although I occasionally think deep enough to worry myself into a sleepless night, I love that I am still inquisitive and open minded. Grade B, still need to narrow in on specific research instead of solely self-exploration.

Reading is a new leisure activity I've picked up in the past year (thanks to my brother who gave me the Hunger Games trilogy). Since my birthday, I've read at least 10 books and have another 100 I want to download. I love my kindle - if you don't have, one BUY one. Turning the TV on is the easy option, but reading a book is so much more rewarding. I also find that I have a more restful sleep when I read instead of watch TV; not sure of the exact cause/correlation there. So on my reading hobby, I'll give myself a B+. (Patting myself on the back.)

Working out and eating right were healthy choices that I wanted to coincide with my decision to stop drinking. This has been a huge focus of mine and a big success. In 3 months I have lost approximately 30 pounds. I started weighing 5 weeks in and I am down 15 pounds since that point, I am having to guess the first 5 weeks weight loss based on clothing. I recently hired a personal trainer who has stepped up my workouts and thrown an added curve ball into my eating plan. I am extremely happy with my progress and cannot wait to see the changes to come in the next quarter! I also feel absolutely wonderful. I never want to have a hangover again. I now go to bed excited to wake up early for the gym, instead of dreading how terrible I'll feel when that alarm beeps. I'll give myself an A in healthy living. (Wow, I'm really grading myself. Lame.)

I think I also deserve an A for not drinking. I've managed a birthday celebration, a friend's visit, a tropical storm weekend, a weekend in Miami, a weekend in Atlanta, a weekend in STL, NFL season, a Miami hurricanes football game, a Cardinals game, 88 possible happy hours and 88 possible Zinfandel night caps. Up next - sober Fantasy Fest. After that week, I'll definitely deserve an A+!

In the next three months, I will continue my current progress while striving to further myself in other areas. I absolutely want to run a 5k, improve my "grade" in Spanish, read a book on buddhism and start volunteering. No matter what I encounter along the way, I will keep on pushing!

day 67

Let me begin by saying that sometimes it is damn hard to think of material to write about that means something to me, and that others will hopefully find interesting and/or entertaining as well. That's why my posts come at random intervals, not everyday or a certain number per week. When I do sit down to write though, I love it! I will absolutely keep the blog going until day 365, and I hope I continue to enjoy it as much as I currently do. When I run into friends I haven't seen in a few weeks, they are usually full of questions about how the challenge is going, how I avoid drinking, etc. If you ever have a specific question - comment on the post or send me a message and I'll put it in my next post. (Did you catch that? Soliciting writing ideas for myself - told you it's a struggle!) I've never written purely for pleasure before the blog, and if you haven't either, I highly recommend you to try. Writing encourages me to dig deeper into exploring my thoughts and feelings, while also forcing me to be completely honest with myself. There would be no point in me taking the time to post if it weren't honest and from the heart. On day 10, I compared my blog to a husband. If I want to cheat, I remember I'm committed to the blog (and myself...). I frequently think of that analogy, because I still believe that if it weren't for the blog, this challenge would've fizzled out quickly for me. I stay loyal to "my husband" because all of you that read what I have to say about what I'm learning along the way are huge motivators. So far, many of my posts have focused solely on "my"self and "my" feelings and "my" thoughts, but I think it's about time I pay some attention to my support system.

My support system is 100 times larger than I thought it was before starting this challenge. I've learned that I have a core group of people who I always depend on, but there are so many other people in my life that change my day or lift me up every single day. My mom is my rock: If you know me and don't know this, then you are living under one. She gets to hear all the fluffy monotonous stories of the challenge that I leave out of the blog, and yet she always eagerly listens. The other day I was truly rambling and instead of sounding disinterested she said, "I don't want to wish your years away, but it is amazing to see your kids grow up and form their own thoughts and beliefs. I can't wait for you to have that." I tell her all the time that she's not normal, no one is that happy all the time, but I wouldn't have it any other way. She knows that one of my favorite outcomes of giving up drinking has been all the time I spend on cooking fresh healthy meals. (Two self discoveries - I enjoy writing outside of the classroom and I absolutely love to cook!) Yesterday I came home after a particularly grueling workout to the cookbook below. There's a little disclosure on the cover page that says "Every Recipe Serves One"...ouch! Hopefully this cookbook distracts me from the sweet tooth I've developed in the past 2 months. I have always been a sucker for salty snacks, but since cutting out alcohol, I CRAVE sugar in the evenings. I was baking cupcakes the other day (to share, not for myself) and after I frosted them there was quite a bit of icing left. I literally had to squirt soap in the container before throwing it away to make it non-edible. I laughed at myself when I did it, but I didn't think about eating it one more time. Success! I usually tackle the craving with a Mini Dove ice cream (2 WW points, 60 calories). I don't need the whole box, just one. I'm hopeful that I will be able to apply that same principle to wine after my year is up...I think so :). 

In addition to my wonderful momma, I'm also lucky to have an amazing brother. His ridiculous fitness level will always propel me when I feel like giving up at the gym. My dad, although halfway across the world, deeply believes that I can do anything and makes me feel that I can as well. Aunt Pam gets a special mention as well because we see eye to eye on so many issues, and I know I can go to her with a question that others may think is off the wall. Thank you for encouraging me to explore my spirituality.

I really wish I would have had the foresight to write down all the positive interactions I've experienced in relation to my challenge, because they have been so plentiful and so motivating throughout. Multiple people have told me that my challenge and/or blog gave them a little needed push to wake up for an early morning workout. Another person told me that my words reminded her to take time to "do something for herself". Tons of people check up on me and ask when I'll be posting next. And I'd be lying if I said it doesn't feel great every time someone notices the weight I've lost. My friends on the Island have been so supportive and even when I joke of falling off, I don't even think they would let it happen! I'm sure you're all sick of me talking about "sober" this and "no drinking" that, so thanks for putting up with me. Each and every interaction, no matter how big or small, truly inspires me all over again. Last week I was on the phone with one of my best friends, and I asked her if she's happy in her job/city or if she thinks she'll move in the near future. I loved her response. "I'm open to moving, but more and more I am realizing that I want to be close to the people I care about." I couldn't have said it better.

day 59 - football season!

So if you know me, you know I love football. Yes, yes, I also have a personal weakness for football players, but we don't really need to go into that. I know this will shock most of you, but I usually enjoy a few adult beverages while watching football. Weird, right? This automatically means Saturday and Sunday become drinking days/nights along with the occasional Monday and Thursday dependent upon who's playing. I don't think I can even think of the last football game I watched or went to without having at least one drink (before tonight). Prior to embarking on my sober year, I thought about specific circumstances that would be the strongest triggers along my way. I think football season was in my top three, therefore I'm glad I had a couple months to settle into my new lifestyle before the season began. Tonight as I watch the first NFL game of the season, I have no desire to drink. I'm tired, I'm sore from workouts, I cooked an amazing dinner (Asian Peanut Noodle Salad - WW's recipe) and I'm perfectly happy relaxing and winding down for the evening. 

Tonight's dinner - mine looked exactly like this...yea right, but it was tasty!

I keep noticing a lot of irony in my sober discoveries. One that I found myself thinking about tonight was my perceived happiness. When I was going out and drinking a lot, I thought I was really living life to the fullest and enjoying every day. Now I see things so differently. I do not view those memories (those which I actually remember) as wasteful, and I do not have any regrets about the way I have lived my life; however, I can say with absolute certainty than I am happier now. Yes, I had fun dancing and drinking, but I was MISERABLE the next day and I rushed through so many other parts of my day without even thinking about them. Now I really enjoy some of my daily activities that I previously viewed as monotonous. I loved preparing a new recipe for dinner tonight and I didn't even cringe at the thought of washing the dirty dishes afterward. Old me would have rushed through dinner so I could put my tired and achy body in bed as quickly as possible. Oh wait, there's football on, let me take back my last sentence...old me would have actually ordered Big John's and eaten pizza and wings in bed. (Harsh, but probably accurate.)

Another irony I encountered is that, while I actively work to improve my health and well-being, I concurrently become more aware of my mortality. I won't get all drab and dreary here, it just relates to my previous discovery. If we just go through the motions, our time seems to evaporate. If we are always counting the days to vacation or a special event, we may forget to enjoy the days leading up to that event. I'm a huge "countdown" person, and I'm not going to stop that, but I also have to remind myself that the days in between such events should be purposeful and joyful as well.  Each day comes with many of the same tasks and procedures for all of us, but there's always something new that we can choose to mix-up. If not, we can also take notice to when something that has been externally varied in our day. Trying a new recipe, biking a new way home from work, and going to a different class at the gym are all things I've done to spice up my daily routine. When I add something new in, I enjoy the day and the "processes" don't seem so tedious. External variations can be as little as noticing birds chirping or new flowers blooming. (Wow, now  I sound cheesy...and like my mother.) But really, I was coming around the corner the other day and noticed all the birds were chirping like mad. I found myself wondering if they were just happy that it was a beautiful day, or if they could sense a change in weather on its way, etc. After catching myself in this thought pattern, I giggled a little bit. It seemed silly, but at the same time it was nice to NOTICE and ponder something small. I'm trying to notice more of the small stuff without sweating it (haha). Whether it's our boss or parent or spouse, we always want people to notice the little things we do. And I'm sure the little birds wanted someone to hear them chirping, why else would they do it? So keep an eye out for little things, they may just make you smile.

day 48 - bracing for isaac

Well today's post is written under quite different circumstances that normal. In case you live under a rock, Tropical Storm, soon to be Hurricane Isaac, is currently on a direct path for the Keys. I made my preparations last night - aka I bought pretzel chips, Luna bars, cereal and bottled water - and then bar crawled today. I'm not a hurricane virgin, but this is my first major storm in Key West. I was in Miami for the terrible hurricane season of 2005, but Chartwells packed us nonperishable meals and we lived in concrete buildings with permanent hurricane shutters. Obviously the necessary preparation on my part was very little. I do however, remember one eye opener I had that year. The weekend before classes started, my mom and I were at the Dadeland Target elbow to elbow with every other UM freshman and their parents, attempting to furnish our 6' by 6' dorm rooms and stock up on "necessities" before our parents (i.e. our wallets) left town. My mom looked and me and said "Why is everyone buying flashlights?" I giggled and dismissed her question, thinking it was just silly and frivolous. Just a couple short months later, I woke up after Wilma hit, slipped on the water from my thawed mini-fridge, and realized we were without power. That's when I caught on to the flashlight thing.It doesn't happen often, but that time, mom and I were outsmarted. :)

Anyway - this time I have candles, I think there's a flashlight somewhere, I made lots of extra ice, and I bought some non-perishables. Can't lie, I wouldn't have complained if someone had the boxed lunches prepped for me this go around! Since I have been cooking almost all of my meals at home and eating a diet of mostly fruits/veggies/lean proteins, shopping for foods that don't go bad was kind of shocking. Conclusion - If it doesn't go bad, it's probably bad for you! (Nuts being one of the only exceptions.) So I'll be on carb overload if we lose power, but eh well, doesn't count if there's no other options. I did NOT choose to use the "doesn't count" excuse for drinking. I did contemplate a one-day free pass, but decided I would regret it immediately after the first sip.

Fat Tuesday - Stop #2 on the Isaac Bar Crawl (I had a Virgin Daiquiri which turned out to be just a waste of calories lol)

So I'm 7 weeks in, and in the past week I've conquered a weekend in Miami and now a tourist-free Duval Street Hurricane Party Bar Crawl. My experiences are different than they would be with drinking, but I do not feel like I'm missing out on anything. 

Walking around Brickell Key last weekend - LOVED this walk. (Drinking Kendall wouldn't have worked out multiple times on a weekend vacation! Especially with open bar on the club level...)

I feel lucky and healthy and alert. If I feel all those things 24 hours from now, instead of hot and in the dark, I'll be very happy! Crossing my fingers for power and safety on our little island during/after the storm.

day 39

I'm officially on cruise control. I no longer have to tell myself not to go straight to the wine aisle in Fausto's. I no longer have doubts that I will finish successfully. I no longer even miss getting buzzed at happy hour.  Before I started typing this post, I even had to count on a calendar to know that today is day 39.  Ok, ok...yes, I still really (really) miss red wine. Now I drink LaCroix with fresh lemons and limes while I cook, instead of my typical half bottle of red. A water bottle sits on my nightstand, instead of the remaining half bottle of red. No calories, no artificial sweeteners, no guilt, no hangover. Everyone asks if I'll go back to drinking after the year is up; I can only give you my day 39 answer which is subject to change. Day 39's answer is that red wine will most definitely be added back in, on day 366, in moderation. At this point, I do not see hard liquor or beer making it's way back in at all. 

A few posts ago I spoke about how most of us tolerate letting ourselves down regularly, but we strive to not let others down. My main point being we should aim to succeed for ourselves as much as we do for others. This topic has been something I've thought about more in-depth recently in terms of my life. This at-first seemingly impossible (to me) challenge ranks up in my top 5 selfish life-decisions along with: going to UM for college, joining ADPi, not following the public accounting path I was on, and moving to Key West. Yes, I used the word selfish. And no, I don't mean it in a bad way. "Selfish" gets a bad rap, and I think that's just silly! Let me explain myself. Who do I sleep with every night? Myself. Who's bills am I responsible for? My own. Who has to throw up when I pound 14 firebombs? Again, me. Who's jeans get tighter when I make poor eating choices? Ugh, mine! Seems simple right? Well, if I have to pay for all the negative outcomes coming from my decisions, then I'm going to be SELFISH and make decisions that impact me positively. My mom's mom (Nanny) always told me that I had to love myself before I could love anyone else. A little selfish right? However, I've come to find that statement is so true. I may be simplifying things a bit much, but I'd say it's a decent argument. Don't think that I see no good in selflessness, I absolutely do. How can I give to someone in need if I have not first taken care of myself? 

Flight attendants have always known this lesson. Does anyone pay attention during their speech? Well, I guess it's a video now, but I remember the real speeches with props and all! "In case of a loss in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment above you. To secure, pull the mask towards you, secure the elastic strap to your head, and fasten it covering your mouth and nose. Breath normally. Even if the bag does not inflate, please keep in mind that oxygen is flowing. Please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others." I remember thinking as a child "What the f***? My mom wouldn't make sure I was okay first?!" (Yep, I thought in obscenities at a young age.) But now I understand, you must serve yourself so you can serve others. Do you know any good leaders who aren't a little selfish? That's why they are fit, productive, and seem to have it "all going on". Ah, it all makes sense now. As is true in so many aspects of life, balance is necessary when it comes to selflessness and selfishness. 

day 32 - month two begins!

Wow, already one month down! If I can do that, it's smooth sailing from here. Things have been fairly uneventful since my last post. I will say however, that my first "cranky" days snuck up on me in the past week. This was kind of reality check, because each day had been so sublime the first few weeks. (No, to all the assuming men out there, I was not PMSing.) I think the novelty of the lifestyle change had worn off a bit, and everyday annoyances started crawling under my skin as they had in my drinkin' days. Seems like a bit of the American in me was rearing it's ugly head - wanting a 180 degree difference immediately. 

I had to remind myself of a few things:
1. Tourists are still going to ask 1 million annoying questions a day. I can't change that and shouldn't let it bother me so much. They aren't from here, and they can't help the fact that they think a swimming costume and waterproof tampons are snorkel trip necessities.
2. I'm not Superwoman. My mood will occasionally fluctuate, sometimes I'm going to be tired, and some days will always be better than others. 
3. I can't make drunk or hungover people smell any better. Alcohol-stink is just a hazard of drinking, and being insanely aware of the smell is a hazard of sobriety!
3. I'm not going to wake up a Size 6 tomorrow just because I made habit changes a month ago. The change is gradual and I have to enjoy the journey, and all the small changes along the way. 

Whatever my funk was, I obviously over thought it, came out with some new conclusions and I'm officially feeling wonderful again (and it didn't take me a bottle of wine to get back there). An upcoming Miami getaway with Dad next weekend isn't hurting my mood either. My travel bug has been severely suppressed since moving to Key West, so even two days in a city I called home for four years gets me all excited! I told my dad we should go to the Miami Zoo and he said "Wow, I wish you were still drinking." Dad, I love ya, but a weekend with you without beer, wine and shots involved could be quite the (challenging) experience!

Epic Hotel - Our destination next weekend - complimentary wine happy hour - that's just cruel.

Looks like my travel bug will have to stay in hiding for a little while longer, as I recently decided to stay in Key West for another year. I had originally planned on leaving at the end of this year, but changes at work have encouraged me to stay. I'll keep on missin' my Momma, but I can't complain about another year on the island. After that, my plan is a year in Thailand to teach English. Then maybe I'll settle into a "normal" job, or maybe not. We'll see! Until then, I'm planning little trips and making mom visit as frequently as possible. After Miami, next planned trip is NYC the first weekend of November. Barclay, Dad, Giants football, a Broadway show, shopping and Autumn weather in the city. Can't wait! I also need to get my booty up to New Orleans to see the up-and-coming Dr.Chau, location TBD to see Ms. Ames, and a Hurricanes Football Game (or two) this Fall. 

Those trips will all take place in month 3 and beyond; however, I hope month 2 has as many wonderful times, revelations, and positive strides as month 1. I'm confident that it will. 

day 24

Thought I fell off, huh? It's been a busy busy week in paradise. I am also stuck typing my posts on my phone unless I bring my work laptop home, and since I was off for THREE days the laptop was nowhere near me! (Maybe I should stop being cheap and by myself a laptop with all this moolah I'm saving!) But I didn't want to go another day without a post, because I don't want to forget any amazing stories or new ideas I've come across. So here I am, wearing out my thumbs, clicking away on my phone.

Rest assured that I have not fallen nor faltered in any way. My resolve is still strong and I feel that the biggest struggle is behind me. I will say that having a visitor in town has provided the most temptation. Three days off, a boat day, relaxing poolside, happy hour after our jet-ski tour, and nice dinners with even better wine lists, all with a wonderful friend whom I barely ever get to spend time with. I don't know about you, but those are all sound like pretty fabulous drinking excuses to me. However I can say with 100% confidence that I have enjoyed her visit to the fullest and much more than I ever could have before I stopped drinking. We have packed a LOT into the past few days! We even took Zumba together and walked a ton - talk about a healthy visit!

Island Ting Trip this Tuesday - the water was like glass!

On the friendship topic comes another epiphany I've had recently. I have realized I am a much better friend now because I have the time and energy to be "present". In the past few weeks I've spoken to, skyped or texted at length with three of my college roommates that I miss SO dearly, not to mention countless other friends. I hope I was never a bad friend, I just wasn't always good at keeping in touch when life happened (Thanks Sara!). I've been so incredibly lucky to have many amazing friends from home, college and now Key West. It is so heartwarming to hear about the journeys they are all embarking on, the love they are experiencing and the successes they are enjoying. The meditations continuously speak to being present and opening yourself to love - and I am really reaping the benefits of it!

After a wonderful seafood feast at Half Shell

A million more things to say, but the Olympics are distracting me, so I'll keep it short. It will not be another 8 days before I post again! Don't miss the moon tonight - its gorgeous.

Paddle boarding at Man Key (note: I did not post pictures of me struggling to stand up/falling off at first)

day 16

Passed the two week mark! I've gotten to the point where it's hard to keep track of what day I'm on, I think that's a good thing. I think it means it's becoming something I'm used to, not something I have to think of every single second. They say it takes 21 days to develop a habit...


No big developments in the past few days. Hitting the gym hard and cooking all sorts of healthy meals. Still really enjoying sober sleep. I wake up (usually before my alarm) refreshed instead of parched and achy.


More "challenges" this week, it's Aubrey's birthday and Amanda arrives on Sunday. Both occasions would usually call for excessive libations. Now I just keep thinking about how we will have so much more time for other activities (and I don't have to account for hangover recuperation). I've proven to myself that I am still fun in social settings without 4 drinks in me, so I don't have to avoid situations where I would normally drink. That realization makes things a lot easier. Pretty sure I'd be terribly bitter if all I did was hang out at home and think about my friends out on Duval Street. Speaking of friends, the peer pressure has completely subsided. Everyone is either used to it or cheering me on. Or both :-).


I haven't been perfect, I have been slacking on my daily meditations (a couple times I've had to do two in one day). So my mini-goal this week is to not miss any. They really help to center my thoughts and energy, so it should not be a difficult goal to accomplish. Speaking of "centering," my overall balance (emotional, physical, mental/spiritual) is changing so much. If you've taken time out of your day to read this, you probably know me pretty well. You probably know me enough to know that I am not an "over-thinker." I don't know enough about politics, I HATE conspiracy theorists, I'm practical with a streak of idealism. That being said, I've had a lot of sober time to over-think things in the past couple weeks (plus I'm always keeping my eyes and ears open because I have to have something to write about on this damn thing! lol). One question I've been centering on a lot is "Why is alcohol automatically involved in almost everything social?" This question easily leads into "Why do we want that buzz or drunk?" I thought about what happens after those first few drinks at happy hour...


1. Conversation/volume/laughter/arguments increase
2. Inhibitions subside (see also: dancing like a fool, talking to complete strangers, kissing complete strangers, saying/texting things you would never say sober)


Besides kissing complete strangers, most of these things seem like child-like characteristics. I am not saying we drink because we are immature. I am saying we drink because we don't know how else to get to that non-jaded uninhibited happy place that used to be our norm. By eliminating alcohol-induced highs, my happiness feels much more balanced as I mentioned before. I am confident enough to be honest when I'm sober or talk to a stranger. I am strong enough not to make bad decisions or text things to people who shouldn't even be in my life anymore! I don't need the highs or lows, I'm finding pleasure in the consistent content. This really aligns with Buddhist views which makes me happy, I'm growing and that's the whole point of this.


2 weeks down...no way am I fallin' off anytime soon. 

day 10

Woop! Double digits! I can't believe it's only been ten days. Not because I'm having the shakes or dying for a drink, but because I've already learned so much and noticed a lot of changes. To be honest I probably would've already fallen off the wagon, or at least had more trouble if it weren't for the blog. I was talking to my mom yesterday and compared it to a marriage. You're out and you see a really hot guy and you think "Wow, he looks good, I want him." Then you remember "Oh shit, I have a husband." A commitment keeps you honest (or at least should). And I think it's easier to commit to someone else than it is to yourself, because letting your loved ones down is a terrible feeling. Obviously its kinda pathetic that letting someone else down is "worse" in our minds than letting ourselves down, but I think it's a survival tactic. We are conditioned to deal with our own failures and move on. However as I've mentioned before, this is a self-exploration/improvement journey for me, and I am learning that I never have to let myself down.


Let's see, developments from my last entry...most exciting is that I'm back in the gym (with the two Courtney's)! If I can even get on my bike tomorrow morning it'll be a miracle. I also started a 21 day meditation challenge that I am loving! One of my goals of this year is to learn more about Buddhism (if you don't know, I visited Sri Lanka in 2010 and it absolutely changed my life, my views and sparked a huge interest in Buddhism for me). An old friend from my freshman year of college saw my blog and thought the meditation would be a good addition to my plan. Although I am an absolute novice (my thoughts stray), I am really loving how I feel and the topics it focuses on. So thank you Bridget, I have wanted to add meditation into my daily habits for a long time but wasn't sure where to start.


I am consistently shocked by how much more efficient I am now. My days seem so much longer, in a good way not in a "OMG this day is dragging" way. Not once in the past ten days have I had to throw up before work. I remember everything, my teeth look whiter (no red wine), I actually wear makeup to work everyday, my laundry never piles up and my hip bones and I have become reacquainted! Love love loving all my energy!!


Ooo speaking of my hip bones! Momma has decided to match my dad's pledge with a new wardrobe at the end of the year. However, based on current progress, I'm hoping to need smaller clothes in just a few months :-).


I'm kind of obsessed with my new lifestyle and I am not questioning my decision AT ALL! No-drinking is definitely the backbone that helps all my other good habits fall into place. But I was right before I even started, I do miss my red wine.

day 7

Whewwww! Friday was a drinkin' day if there ever was one. Work was a shit show, per usual. It was Friday - Drinkin' day, duh! And it was payday (everyone is in a good mood on payday and has money to drink). Rather than being a loner, I tagged along for happy hour. The oh-so-sweet Emily at Gecko already knew of my self-challenge. She poured me a water without even trying to tempt me, thanks Bon Qui Qui! I hung around for dinner and some music but headed home before sunset. I still had a great evening, I remembered my entire bike ride home, didn't have any close calls (falling, running into things, etc.) and had not even the slightest urge to eat Dion's (fried chicken for the non-Key Westers). All in all, a successful happy hour trial.


Waking up Saturday was the funny part. I rolled over on my amazing new sheets (thanks mama) around 7:30. My first thought was "Ughhh I don't even wanna open my eyes to find out how hungover I am." I was beyond delighted when I realized that there was and would be no hangover to speak of. Instead of a pounding headache and a miserably upset stomach, my Saturday morning consisted of a healthy breakfast and cleaning/organizing.


I'll save you from a complete play by play. I love my life, but I'm not a Kardashian. I'd be totally self-absorbed to think you want to know every mundane detail of my life. 


Top things I've gleaned from my experiment in the past few days:
1. Sober Kendall is much more of a neat freak than Drinking Kendall. I like it! My closet was the first beneficiary of this change.

2. My mood is much more "stable." 
Not saying I was some crazy b**** before, but I definitely notice that I am consistently energetic and content now. I keep reminding myself of my mom (shhhhhh!).
3. In my first post I spoke about the fact that "I want to see what I can learn, explore, and do with countless more hours on my hands." I've been good about this! First of all, it's AMAZING how much longer each day feels. Yesterday Court and I went up the Keys, had an amazing lunch at Square Grouper, saw Key Deer and came back around 5 for fresh Key West Pinks at Turtle Kraals. 

Would I have liked a drink at lunch? Yes! Did the fact that I didn't have one detract from my enjoyment of the amazing sliders and goat cheese? Not at all. 


One week down and 51 to go. If they are all as great as this past week has been, then I am in for a wonderful year.

day 4

Today is my first challenge day. Mexican and game night with the girls. I would normally already be sipping on a glass of sangria to get a buzz on as quickly as possible. Tonight I'll sip on seltzer water with lemons and limes instead. I'm sure I'll have a twinge of jealousy at first when I'm the only one not heavily buzzed. I am confident that this feeling will be replaced with a surge in motivation and happiness when I go home and get sober sleep (it's noticeably better!) and wake up tomorrow feeling great. I also highly doubt that I will laugh or enjoy myself any less :-).


I've come to a quick realization over the past few days. Resisting temptation is not going to be my largest challenge, it's changing my habits that will take the most effort. When I talk about making plans I immediately include alcohol..."I'm off on Sunday let's go to the beach with a cooler." ok I can do that, but the cooler will have very different contents. "Ugh work was awful today, let's go to happy hour." I'm going to try my best to turn that sentence into "Work was awful I'm going to the gym." I'm also hoping that with better rest and less hangover, I'll have a better attitude and less of those awful work days.


My favorite (and unexpected) aspect so far has been outsiders comments and support. People I work with and old friends I haven't spoken to in years have sent me sweet and supportive messages, offered to join me in non drinking activities and shared their personal challenges and goals. The support has been so inspiring.


I'm already loving it and can't wait to learn more everyday. Now it's time for tacos.

day 2

Wow. What a weekend (to make me WANT to stop drinking)!


I'd say we concocted the perfect birthday celebration that left me both hungover and exhausted, but it was amazing.  4-day staycation, successfully completed operation "Surprise Mom" with Barclay's arrival at happy hour (video is on mom's facebook, pretty priceless), wonderful steak/seafood dinner at A&B, boat day on Boca Grande, and a ridiculous late night happy hour at the Gecko with Matty Q playing our favorite cheesy late 90's pop hits.

All of that left me with less than zero desire to drink for a while anyway, so this should be easy to start out. A lot of people (*cough cough* Courtney D and C) still want me to alter the plan, but I really want this, so here goes nothing. I have a nice bottle of red wine on the counter that hasn't been touched...can't decide if I should leave it to drink in a year or give it away...I think giving it away is the smartest plan. I also already cooked a wonderful dinner tonight instead of my normal Tuesday night Gecko dinner accompanied by 5 grape bombs and countless vodka sodas. 

Obviously two days in I don't feel any physical differences, I wasn't drinking 7 days a week to begin with, but the excitement of what's to come has me full of good energy. Ohhh also since my last post, my dad has decided to add my to challenge by pledging $4 for every day I make it. I didn't ask for this, but I'm competitive so that potential bonus at the end makes it even more fun. Thanks dad :)

I'm really (really) gonna miss red wine. For 365 entire days I will miss it...or at least I think I'll miss it the whole time. I should admit that when I came up with the idea to go a full year without drinking, I had just finished off a bottle of Zinfandel. God no, not White Zin. I'm talking deep, red, dry, full-bodied, spicy, delicious Zinfandel. I was lying in bed (room spinning a bit, my cheeks flushed, big smile on my face), thinking about my upcoming 25th birthday. Undoubtedly my girls and I would (and still will) go out to dinner and drinks and follow it up with lots more drinks. The next day I'll want to do ANYTHING to feel better which will most likely result in eating a Mr.Z's Cheesesteak or the leftovers of the one I got on the way home the night before, and we will all laugh and text trying to remember what exactly we did the night before (between puking breaks to the bathroom). I'm not saying this isn't fun, I've loved every single one of my birthday celebrations, but 25 sounds and feels a little special so I want to do something different for myself in my next year.


Everyday there seem to be countless articles and news stories about individual people accomplishing amazing things, thrown in between Miami zombie attacks and what happened the night before on The Bachelor. I don't aim to invent a time-travel machine or solve world hunger, but I would like to see what I can learn about myself and others through awake, alert, sober eyes. Before anyone starts hating, I'm not doing this because I think I have an alcohol problem, I don't think that at all. I'm doing this for the following reasons:

1. I'm tired of being tired.
2. It disgusts that liquor, wine and bar food consistently equal MORE than my rent on a monthly basis.
3. I want to see what I can learn, explore, and do with countless more hours on my hands.
1. Read more
2. Progress past disc 2 on my Rosetta Stone Spanish
3. Learn more about Buddhism
4. Cook more 
4. I want to be healthy - I know the older I get the harder it's gonna be to get rid of this extra cushion thing I have going on - EW! 
5. I want to prove to myself that I can do it (Birthdays, holidays, happy hour - all sober...weird! Not to mention living in a drinking town and friends that really know how to lay on the pressure.)

Those are my top-of-mind reasons, although I'm sure I'll be adding more along the way. 

July 9th is my official start date, as my birthday is the 8th. I'm calling it my birthday present to myself - although based on friends reactions you'd think I'm sentencing myself to death. "What?" "Why would you want to do that?" "Don't fool yourself!" "You're not gonna be any fun." At least my friends are honest! I'm aiming to blog at least a little bit everyday so I can look back and see what was fun, what was challenging and the changes I noticed along the way. I thought some family back at home might enjoy the journey with me...so here we go. Oh wait, it's not July 9th yet, I'm gonna enjoy some red wine while I still can.